101 Ways to Bug Your Friends and Enemies Read Online Free Page A

with boogers like stalactites and stalagmites!
    â€œAnthropological : Behold—the sarcophagus of King Tut!
    â€œFriendly : I play trombone in the marching band too. Want to practice together sometime?
    â€œ Disappointed : ‘ Oh, Pinocchio, ’ wailed the Blue Fairy. ‘ You’ve been telling lies again .’”
    Goldie giggled. Someone choked on a chortle. I circled Scarecrow faster and faster as my words and confidence flowed.
    â€œ Educational : Students, rising before you stands Mount Vesuvius, the volcano that destroyed the ancient Roman city Pompeii.
    â€œ Festive : A few antlers here, a bell or two there, and presto! Rudolph’s understudy!
    â€œ Mythical : Fee, fie, foe, fum! Does it smell the blood of an Englishman?
    â€œ Rude : Disneyland called. They want their Matterhorn back.
    â€œ Horrified : My God! Elephant Man lives!
    â€œ Curious : Does it hold your iPod and your laptop?
    â€œ Dramatic : When it runs with the common cold—Niagara Falls!
    â€œ Enterprising : The perfect logo for the Snoops ‘R’ Us Detective Agency!
    â€œ Poetic : I thought that I would never see
    A beak as large as Tennessee.
    Yet I was wrong
    For here it grows—
    Our fifty-first state: Stephen’s nose!”
    I halted. Struck a pose offering an unobstructed view of my chaffed proboscis, a proud rocket thrusting toward the sky.
    Cullen Fu Hanson laughed, his straight teeth agleam against his dark skin. He tucked his club beneath one arm and slapped his hands together. The wide palms made a popping sound as he began to applaud. Everyone (even Ace, who is too cool) joined in. Scarecrow’s face darkened from cherry punch to roasted eggplant.
    â€œS-snot-nosed p-punk!” he sputtered. “Geek! Nerd!”
    â€œPleased to meet you,” I answered, bowing. “Stephen J. Wyatt, at your service.”

Chapter Four
    â€œWhy you little—” Scarecrow lunged, putter swept high. “That nose of yours is history. A goner. A whoosher!”
    I didn’t know what a “whoosher” was, but I caught his drift.
    I stepped backward—
    tripped—
    and tumbled into the Swamp.
    Two inches of tepid green slime seeped over my body. My head lay cradled in the grin of Crikey the Crocodile. His gaping maw smelled of rotting algae and Trix cereal that’s been soaking in rotting algae.
    Clubs raised, Scarecrow and his cronies loomed, blotting out the sun.
    I clenched my eyes. Waited for the excruciating impact.
    â€œ Stephen!” Hayley cried.
    Wow , I thought in a haze of fetid fumes. She cares.
    â€œNuff already,” said Cullen Fu Hanson.
    I peeked through one eye. Cullen had grabbed the toe of Scarecrow’s club. Scarecrow clung to the handle. The two of them engaged in a brief tug-o’-war. I say brief because if Scarecrow hung on much longer, he’d lose an arm.
    â€œWhy, boddah you?” Cullen asked.
    Scarecrow scowled. “You bet it bothers me. And if you don’t let go, I’ll tell Coach you threatened me! With your black record—”
    Cullen opened his massive paw, releasing the club. Scarecrow almost keeled over, clutching his prize. The team snickered.
    I tried to ooze from the swamp, but Crikey the Crocodile’s lone tooth snagged my ear.
    â€œ What is going on here ?”
    The question blared like a trumpet. The cavalry, at last! I recognized the scent of Mr. Barker’s coconut sunscreen.
    â€œHello down there, Steve. Welcome home!” he said, his voice filling with easy warmth. “What’s this, first day back and already lying around on the job? And for this I pay you the big bucks?” He laughed, jingling coins in his pocket.
    â€œYep, you sure do,” I said, forcing a smile. I moved to sit up, but Crikey’s tooth bit deeper. My head whirled with pain. The faded palm trees on Mr. Barker’s aloha shirt danced a hula.
    â€œAre you all right? What happened to your